For reasons that I'm not quite sure, I have been quiet in this space about the progress of this pregnancy. It has been filled with ups and downs and I think my way of coping has been to retreat inside myself and try to be as in the moment as I can be with the big brothers here at home. Only now, as we are nearing it's conclusion does it feel safe for me to open up and let you know just how much of an emotional roller coaster it has been since the very beginning.
At 8 weeks I sat in the ultrasound room, staring at the monitor and saw not one but two little flickering lights... and proceeded to have an of body experience, thinking to myself, Oh look, that looks like two heartbeats...somebody is having twins, twins are really cute, but that poor girl sure is going to be really tired...and then about 1/2 a second later broke into a cold sweat at the realization that I was that girl.
Twins.
To be honest, in the beginning, the idea of twins was a hard thing to embrace when you already have two very energetic little boys and you live in a very small three bedroom house. Twins were hard to embrace when you were counting on the fact that the very paid off car that you have owned for 7 years was going to be fine to accommodate just one more baby. Twins was a hard thing to embrace when you had to really twist your husband's arm for this last pregnancy in the first place, after pleading that one last baby would complete your family...and now he is looking at you like... WHAT??? Twins were hard to embrace when you are a mama who was excitedly gearing up to start your first year of homeschooling and in an instant be filled with doubt about whether that dream would still be possible.
It turns out that this pregnancy has been a real lesson in letting go of control and blind faith. Neither of which I have been historically good at. People who know me well might describe me as a bit of an organized control freak (*ahem). I have always felt that if you just prepare properly and make the right choices, things would usually work out in your favor. As it turns out, I have learned that sometimes you have little to no control over certain things and it becomes essential to find the faith enough to not go crazy with worry every minute whether things will end up the way you hoped. Pretty early on it was clear that some sort of plan was playing out that looked nothing like what I would have envisioned for myself, but we were on this ride regardless, so it was best to sit back and trust that things would work out the way they were meant to.
For such a long time, the reality of actually having twins seemed very tentative. Over the entire first trimester hung a cloud, one with a constant reminder that miscarriage rates are much higher for multiple pregnancy. Exhaustion and sickness not withstanding, we made it through the first trimester, which was a great relief only to discover at the beginning of the second trimester that these babies were special and quite high risk. They are identical twins who share a placenta. This meant that they would be at risk for a condition called twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Then came the first ultrasound appointment with the perinatologist at 18 weeks when he discussed, rather frankly I might add, the chances of our babies not developing well and that since they were so intricately connected, if anything should happen to one of them we would ultimately loose both babies. We left that appointment unsure if we would have any babies at all when things were said and done.
Then at 22 weeks I was admitted to the hospital with pre-term labor. Which essentially stopped me in my tracks, causing me to scale back our life to the barest of minimum activities. From that day on it feels like I have lived a day to day existence, trying to participate as normally as possible but trying to not do much of anything, which has been tricky to say the least. We have had weekly doctors appointments and ultrasounds every other week to monitor the babies growth and progress. We have been marking the passage of time with various milestones...week 24, week 28, week 30, week 32, every one feeling like a monumental accomplishment.
We had a bit of a scare the week of Thanksgiving. There were several indications that seemed to show that we would not make it much further and we were administered steroids to hasten the babies lung development in order to give them the best chance of success in the NICU. After a week of very tense days, things quieted down and somehow almost a month later the babies continue to be safe and sound.
And all this time we have been on the minds and in the hearts of so many friends and family members who have been closely following our situation. Not to mention the fact that since late October my mom and Jon's mom have been taking shifts coming to stay with us to help care for the boys to allow me the opportunity to stay off of my feet as much as possible. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for their generosity of time. And for all of your thoughts and prayers, I would like to extend a most heartfelt "thank you". It seems that all of those well wishes have done the trick.
Today we are sitting on the cusp of 34 weeks complete. The babies continue to look happy and healthy. Their lung development should be pretty well established at this point and they stand a very good chance of arriving rather healthy from this point on. I honestly never thought we would make it this far.
And because so many of you have asked, here is a glimpse of myself. Mind you, this picture was taken 3 weeks ago ( I'm sure I am even larger now)... I am currently sporting 60 lbs of weight gain, am measuring 47 weeks pregnant, and carrying a combined 11 lbs of baby around. Just hearing it sounds unbelievable to me. It would be almost impossible for me to describe how it feels...
Here is Samuel hugging that giant load of "Rice and Beans" as we have lovingly referred to them since late summer. In Samuel's words...Rice is on the left and Beans is on the right because that's the way they come on the plate at the Mexican restaurant. Naturally.
So here we are, the last full week of December. Everyday is a struggle and a major accomplishment. Our ultimate goal from the beginning was to make it to 36 weeks, which is the first full week of January. Honestly, at this point I am most hopeful that we can make it past Christmas. Of course, I know if we do, I will be saying that I just want to make it to 35 weeks. January 1st would be great with me. We shall see. Keep your fingers crossed for us and I promise to keep you posted on how things go.
